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for serena

this is all i have to offer:
the calm of the ocean
the strength of the earth
the warmth of the sun
the lightness of air,
encircled by pure spirit.
accept my token,
let the comfort drift over you
in waves.

i am
the warm touch of a lover
a mother’s wisdom
the strength of a warrior
a friend’s comfort
and the light of pure divinity.

for you, my love,
in your darkest hour.
for you, my broken one,
to make you whole.

in a feld of thorns
and bleeding black roses
you will find the pure
porcelain lotus
glowing with inner light
amidst the nightmare.

© soma stardust, 2011

on missing herr schumacher

as i’ve been moaning about for the past couple of weeks, Brocas Helm is on tour in europe from jan 26 – feb 6. as an integral part of the three piece epic metal band, the bass wizard schumacher naturally had to go with them. so i’m lonely. i’ve been whining and being needy and sitting here bemoaning my fate. (who care if those guys are in norway in the middle of winter? fuck that! i’m lonely!)
anyway, i’ve decided… i can’t control what happens in my life, but i can control how i react to it. duh, right? well, i struggle with depression and anxiety so much so that it hinders my functioning within the world, so it’s not that obvious a thought in my normal mental processes. but i’m getting there.
i’ve spent today waking up far too early, saying goodbye, falling asleep in the middle of the day, eating too much, and playing computer games. then i was left with the interminable loneliness of late night, starting to feel sorry for myself.
now i’ve come to a decision. i am a strong woman. (yes i am. i promise. i’ll force my brain to believe that.) i don’t need to sit here being all sad that this guy who normally annoys the crap out of me is absent for a whole WEEK AND A HALF. not me! this is an opportunity! normally my nights are filled with sitting here at the computer, waiting for him to go to bed so i can do whatever pleases me. i need a lot of alone time, but i hate being lonely. i have almost the entirety of the night time hours now. to read, to write, to do magicks, to meditate, to open myself to limitless possibilities and prepare for whatever may come my way. i don’t have to wait for 2 or 3 a.m.
so what i think i’ll do is prepare for a ritual on the new moon… i’ll clean. i’ll meditate. i’ll prepare my tools. i’ll gather information. i’m going to fast. see visions! talk to spirits! or whatever happens.
today, i mourn my lonliness. tomorrow, i empower myself as a complete being.

☠ soma ☠

ps: stupid horoscope…
“Your current optimism about the future motivates you to swing into action, yet it also distracts you from what’s happening right in front of your nose. You could be eager to shift your focus away from a complicated emotional situation that would benefit from your undivided attention today. Just remember that a positive attitude can be helpful as long as you don’t forget to use your common sense in the process.”

pps: stupid Brocas Helm gig flyers…

all i want for christmas…

is for it to be over.
honestly, i thought the christmas after my mom passed was the worst… i was wrong. this year is definitely a contender.
why? this is why.
mr. man still hasn’t been paid for work we both did in the early fall. thank you! thank you, Asshole-who-owes-us money, for ruining not only thanksgiving, but christmas, too! i appreciate it, really. i hope karma doesn’t come back to bite you in the ass or anything.
so i had made a wishlist of stuff i really really want. ballet stuff to fuel my ballet and Black Swan obsession. magickal things i could really use. awesome jewelry. i gave it up in favor of this. yes, target gift cards. you know what i’d like for christmas? food! soap! stuff like that.
maybe this is all my fault for being a complete dumb-ass. oh well, i can’t change that now.
wait! that’s not the only reason this year is the worst ever. there’s more.
my grandpa had a minor stroke around thanksgiving time. he’s been in a nursing home for recovery, he was supposed to stay there until the insurance can’t pay for it anymore, which is like 3 months. my grandma just found out that he’s not making any progress at all, and the insurance won’t pay if he’s not improving. so he has to come home sooner. so she’s freaking out, and i’m freaking out… she takes care of her failing husband and my little brother… by herself. she keeps freaking out and saying she doesn’t know if she wants me to come live there and help them out. she can’t do it by herself. it’s too much for one person! she’s even more stubborn than my mom. i don’t know how i was raised by two strong women, and here i am, unable to take care of myself… but there it is.
wait! i’m not done! i’m also battling a crippling depression. most days, i can’t get out of bed until past sundown… and i don’t stay out of bed for very long. because there’s no damn point.
good times…
i can’t even say “at least it can only get better…” because i honestly don’t believe that any more.
i don’t believe in peace and love and joy to all. human nature killed it. i don’t believe in baby jesus coming down from heaven on his sleigh with his reindeer showering presents on all the good little boys and girls, because i am a goddamn good person and karma won’t even give me reindeer crap. (that’s probably what coal actually is.)
so… i don’t know. either please help or fuck off.

☠ soma ☠

ps: i got obsessive about retending to be happy and made this youtube playlist. i’m not sure why, but no matter how much i hate christmas time, i heart christmas music. partially because i can geek out and sing classical like. the little high-school choir girl soprano in me. maybe part of it is the common thread that unites our society for one day a year. i don’t know. it makes me happy-ish.

xmastime.

well, i’m still sick. and when i’m sick, i get all overemotional and nostalgic. most of what’s been going through my mind today has been “i want to go home,” and “i want my mom back.” oh, and the ever-present “why does everyone hate me.”

so in this spriti of self-pity, i somehow decided i’d start listening to the holly jolly sounds of xmas. mind you, my personal holiday traditions tend toward the alternative/punk/metal/indie… so it’s not exactly cheery. more along the lines of rilo kiley’s “xmas cake,” the waitresses’ “christmas wrapping,” “mary xmess” by sun 60, bush’s “good king somethingorother,” and the youngsters’ “christmas in jail,” among others i haven’t had the energy to recall right now. if you care to know what i consider holiday classics, you can find it on my youtube channel thingie.

i’ll be updating this frequently over the weeks…

music is an obsession.

☠ soma ☠

random fact: i grew up a jehovah’s witness, on and off. so i make up for it by being overly enthusiastic during holidays… i’m over the the guilt of my younger years when i secretly participated in holiday goings-on. especially halloween. though this doesn’t keep me from being depressed during christmas time.

start a blog.

soma stardust enters the blogging world, along with every other asshole on the interwebs.

go me!

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