all i want for christmas…

is for it to be over.
honestly, i thought the christmas after my mom passed was the worst… i was wrong. this year is definitely a contender.
why? this is why.
mr. man still hasn’t been paid for work we both did in the early fall. thank you! thank you, Asshole-who-owes-us money, for ruining not only thanksgiving, but christmas, too! i appreciate it, really. i hope karma doesn’t come back to bite you in the ass or anything.
so i had made a wishlist of stuff i really really want. ballet stuff to fuel my ballet and Black Swan obsession. magickal things i could really use. awesome jewelry. i gave it up in favor of this. yes, target gift cards. you know what i’d like for christmas? food! soap! stuff like that.
maybe this is all my fault for being a complete dumb-ass. oh well, i can’t change that now.
wait! that’s not the only reason this year is the worst ever. there’s more.
my grandpa had a minor stroke around thanksgiving time. he’s been in a nursing home for recovery, he was supposed to stay there until the insurance can’t pay for it anymore, which is like 3 months. my grandma just found out that he’s not making any progress at all, and the insurance won’t pay if he’s not improving. so he has to come home sooner. so she’s freaking out, and i’m freaking out… she takes care of her failing husband and my little brother… by herself. she keeps freaking out and saying she doesn’t know if she wants me to come live there and help them out. she can’t do it by herself. it’s too much for one person! she’s even more stubborn than my mom. i don’t know how i was raised by two strong women, and here i am, unable to take care of myself… but there it is.
wait! i’m not done! i’m also battling a crippling depression. most days, i can’t get out of bed until past sundown… and i don’t stay out of bed for very long. because there’s no damn point.
good times…
i can’t even say “at least it can only get better…” because i honestly don’t believe that any more.
i don’t believe in peace and love and joy to all. human nature killed it. i don’t believe in baby jesus coming down from heaven on his sleigh with his reindeer showering presents on all the good little boys and girls, because i am a goddamn good person and karma won’t even give me reindeer crap. (that’s probably what coal actually is.)
so… i don’t know. either please help or fuck off.

☠ soma ☠

ps: i got obsessive about retending to be happy and made this youtube playlist. i’m not sure why, but no matter how much i hate christmas time, i heart christmas music. partially because i can geek out and sing classical like. the little high-school choir girl soprano in me. maybe part of it is the common thread that unites our society for one day a year. i don’t know. it makes me happy-ish.

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