Archive for December, 2010

all i want for christmas…

is for it to be over.
honestly, i thought the christmas after my mom passed was the worst… i was wrong. this year is definitely a contender.
why? this is why.
mr. man still hasn’t been paid for work we both did in the early fall. thank you! thank you, Asshole-who-owes-us money, for ruining not only thanksgiving, but christmas, too! i appreciate it, really. i hope karma doesn’t come back to bite you in the ass or anything.
so i had made a wishlist of stuff i really really want. ballet stuff to fuel my ballet and Black Swan obsession. magickal things i could really use. awesome jewelry. i gave it up in favor of this. yes, target gift cards. you know what i’d like for christmas? food! soap! stuff like that.
maybe this is all my fault for being a complete dumb-ass. oh well, i can’t change that now.
wait! that’s not the only reason this year is the worst ever. there’s more.
my grandpa had a minor stroke around thanksgiving time. he’s been in a nursing home for recovery, he was supposed to stay there until the insurance can’t pay for it anymore, which is like 3 months. my grandma just found out that he’s not making any progress at all, and the insurance won’t pay if he’s not improving. so he has to come home sooner. so she’s freaking out, and i’m freaking out… she takes care of her failing husband and my little brother… by herself. she keeps freaking out and saying she doesn’t know if she wants me to come live there and help them out. she can’t do it by herself. it’s too much for one person! she’s even more stubborn than my mom. i don’t know how i was raised by two strong women, and here i am, unable to take care of myself… but there it is.
wait! i’m not done! i’m also battling a crippling depression. most days, i can’t get out of bed until past sundown… and i don’t stay out of bed for very long. because there’s no damn point.
good times…
i can’t even say “at least it can only get better…” because i honestly don’t believe that any more.
i don’t believe in peace and love and joy to all. human nature killed it. i don’t believe in baby jesus coming down from heaven on his sleigh with his reindeer showering presents on all the good little boys and girls, because i am a goddamn good person and karma won’t even give me reindeer crap. (that’s probably what coal actually is.)
so… i don’t know. either please help or fuck off.

☠ soma ☠

ps: i got obsessive about retending to be happy and made this youtube playlist. i’m not sure why, but no matter how much i hate christmas time, i heart christmas music. partially because i can geek out and sing classical like. the little high-school choir girl soprano in me. maybe part of it is the common thread that unites our society for one day a year. i don’t know. it makes me happy-ish.

xmastime.

well, i’m still sick. and when i’m sick, i get all overemotional and nostalgic. most of what’s been going through my mind today has been “i want to go home,” and “i want my mom back.” oh, and the ever-present “why does everyone hate me.”

so in this spriti of self-pity, i somehow decided i’d start listening to the holly jolly sounds of xmas. mind you, my personal holiday traditions tend toward the alternative/punk/metal/indie… so it’s not exactly cheery. more along the lines of rilo kiley’s “xmas cake,” the waitresses’ “christmas wrapping,” “mary xmess” by sun 60, bush’s “good king somethingorother,” and the youngsters’ “christmas in jail,” among others i haven’t had the energy to recall right now. if you care to know what i consider holiday classics, you can find it on my youtube channel thingie.

i’ll be updating this frequently over the weeks…

music is an obsession.

☠ soma ☠

random fact: i grew up a jehovah’s witness, on and off. so i make up for it by being overly enthusiastic during holidays… i’m over the the guilt of my younger years when i secretly participated in holiday goings-on. especially halloween. though this doesn’t keep me from being depressed during christmas time.

why start a blog?

i don’t know why i’m into this blog thing all of a sudden. it just seems like i have a lot to say about a lot of things. from the mushroom growing in the bathroom, my mother’s death, my struggles with anxiety/panic/agoraphobia, my obsession with black metal, kittens, my aging grandparents and my growing brother, my progress with magick, music, photography… and maybe the odd recounting of adventures in modelling – though those are few and far between these days.

i usually am of the opinion that no one gives two shits about what i have to say, but i came to the conclusion that that’s stupid. so often i feel so horribly alone,  but i know that there are people out there who have been through the same or similar situations. so i can babble. and i can help with my babble, because then, other people will know they’re not alone…

right now, all i can think about is how horribly sick i am, how i’m too poor to afford some goddamn soup and tea to make me all better… *sigh*

but coming up!

idk.

random fact: i do in fact live with a rock star. Jim Schumacher, bassist for Brocas Helm (he’s epic, check it out)

☠ soma ☠

start a blog.

soma stardust enters the blogging world, along with every other asshole on the interwebs.

go me!

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