requiem for dante

dante, my heart
daughter of the goddess
independent and true,
yet always by my side.
travel now
in the peaceful ether
of the otherworld,
as vibrant in this passed life
so be in the next.
journey the nightwinds
and remain with me
forever in my soul.
with love, i embrace you.
in trust, goddess take you.

© soma stardust, 2011

for serena

this is all i have to offer:
the calm of the ocean
the strength of the earth
the warmth of the sun
the lightness of air,
encircled by pure spirit.
accept my token,
let the comfort drift over you
in waves.

i am
the warm touch of a lover
a mother’s wisdom
the strength of a warrior
a friend’s comfort
and the light of pure divinity.

for you, my love,
in your darkest hour.
for you, my broken one,
to make you whole.

in a feld of thorns
and bleeding black roses
you will find the pure
porcelain lotus
glowing with inner light
amidst the nightmare.

© soma stardust, 2011

ash wednesday, Psalm 38 (rewritten-draft)

Psalm 38 Domine, Ne In Furore – as interpreted and re-phrased by me
(here it is in latin)

O [Goddess,] rebuke me not in thy anger,
nor chasten me in thy wrath!

For thy arrows have sunk into me,
and thy hand has come down on me.

There is no soundness in my flesh
because of thy indignation;
there is no health in my bones
because of my sin.

For my iniquities have gone over my head;
they weigh like a burden too heavy for me.


My wounds grow foul and fester
because of my foolishness,

I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
all the day I go about mourning.

For my [blood is] filled with burning,
and there is no soundness in my flesh.

I am utterly spent and crushed;
I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

[Goddess,] all my longing is known to thee,
my sighing is not hidden from thee.

My heart throbs, my strength fails me;
and the light of my eyes — it also has gone from me.

My friends and companions stand aloof from my plague,
and my kinsmen stand afar off.

Those who seek my life lay their snares,
those who seek my hurt speak of ruin,
and meditate treachery all the day long.

But I am like [one who is] deaf, I do not hear,
like [one who is] dumb and does not open [her] mouth.

I am like [one] who does not hear,
and in whose mouth are no rebukes.

But for thee, O Goddess, do I wait;
it is thou, [O, my Goddess,] who wilt answer.

For I pray, “Only let them not rejoice over me,
who [revel] when my foot slips.”

For I am ready to fall,
and my pain is ever with me.

I confess my iniquity,
I am sorry for my sin.

Those who are my foes without cause are mighty,
and many are those who hate me wrongfully.

Those who render me evil for good
are my adversaries because I follow after good.

Do not forsake me, O [Goddess!]
O my [Mother,] be not far from me!

Make haste to help me,
O [Lady,] my salvation! Glory…

(disclaimer: not meant to intend harm or incite the wrath of any catholics, merely re-phrased to meet my own personal spirituality.)

on missing herr schumacher

as i’ve been moaning about for the past couple of weeks, Brocas Helm is on tour in europe from jan 26 – feb 6. as an integral part of the three piece epic metal band, the bass wizard schumacher naturally had to go with them. so i’m lonely. i’ve been whining and being needy and sitting here bemoaning my fate. (who care if those guys are in norway in the middle of winter? fuck that! i’m lonely!)
anyway, i’ve decided… i can’t control what happens in my life, but i can control how i react to it. duh, right? well, i struggle with depression and anxiety so much so that it hinders my functioning within the world, so it’s not that obvious a thought in my normal mental processes. but i’m getting there.
i’ve spent today waking up far too early, saying goodbye, falling asleep in the middle of the day, eating too much, and playing computer games. then i was left with the interminable loneliness of late night, starting to feel sorry for myself.
now i’ve come to a decision. i am a strong woman. (yes i am. i promise. i’ll force my brain to believe that.) i don’t need to sit here being all sad that this guy who normally annoys the crap out of me is absent for a whole WEEK AND A HALF. not me! this is an opportunity! normally my nights are filled with sitting here at the computer, waiting for him to go to bed so i can do whatever pleases me. i need a lot of alone time, but i hate being lonely. i have almost the entirety of the night time hours now. to read, to write, to do magicks, to meditate, to open myself to limitless possibilities and prepare for whatever may come my way. i don’t have to wait for 2 or 3 a.m.
so what i think i’ll do is prepare for a ritual on the new moon… i’ll clean. i’ll meditate. i’ll prepare my tools. i’ll gather information. i’m going to fast. see visions! talk to spirits! or whatever happens.
today, i mourn my lonliness. tomorrow, i empower myself as a complete being.

☠ soma ☠

ps: stupid horoscope…
“Your current optimism about the future motivates you to swing into action, yet it also distracts you from what’s happening right in front of your nose. You could be eager to shift your focus away from a complicated emotional situation that would benefit from your undivided attention today. Just remember that a positive attitude can be helpful as long as you don’t forget to use your common sense in the process.”

pps: stupid Brocas Helm gig flyers…

“what a year for a new year…”

so this has been a really bizarre year.
early 2010 started with me getting the last tattoo i got *sigh.* and my nose got pierced, which led to mr. man being really mad at me for a while. he still hates it.
i had been camming, then stopped because it’s just… ridiculous. i may do it again, i don’t know.
we used to do these photoshoots in this giant amazing house that finally got rented out… (3 floors, beautiful view, a million rooms, bathrooms with heated floors… damn i miss that place…) mr. man and i had an actual place to shoot models! i have beautiful pictures that i still haven’t done anything with! and some that are actually up on my dA.
i made some friends, only to lose them for whatever reason people like to leave my life. i crushed hard on a girl who had her own old man, so it would have been the perfect situation, but, again, it fell all apart.
i was also playing with vectoring (also some of this on my dA.) i still have a bunch of unfinished vector projects that were just… taking too long, i guess.
in the spring of 2010, there was wondercon, which was pretty cool. for the first time, someone i didn’t already know in person randomly recognised me. i acted like a fan girl and took photos of celebrities i was too scared to talk to…
we went on a road trip to chicago for ACEN (i could hope for that again, but it’s so not going to happen.) it was super fun. except for the trip there… this was the beginning of the end of my dexedrine… *sigh* and for some reason, it was snowing and storming across the entire damn country. we got into some scariness, driving through a blizzard at night. we had to sleep in the car, in the snow… it sucked, but it’s a story to tell. evidently, i was horrible the entire trip (i didn’t think i was…) which shattered my delusions of the trip and how it was a fun adventure and all. oh well. i guess my memories are my own. maybe my reality is different from other people’s O.o
there was that other con in Japantown, where i saw my Big Crush play on stage for the first time (maybe the last.) i took pictures of him… and that was basically the last time i spent any time with him…
for some reason the cherry blossom festival stands out to me, even though not a whole lot happened. it was just a really nice day, i guess. i got awesome pictures of the flowers and that made me pretty happy.
with spring always comes my birthday and my mom’s death day… then my mom’s birthday… i’m pretty out of it around that time.
my grandparents gave me their old truck for my birthday! which was awesome sauce. i still can’t drive it, i’m that pathetic.
it also brings Fanime, which is always pretty fun. i saw my Big Crush for about two seconds, no words were exchanged… coming home from fainme, we met our new neighbors… 2 lesbians and a guy (sounds like a sitcom…) Ryland, the guy, recognised us from the car. rather, he recognised mr. man. we became friends, had fun times and all that.
summer 2010, we went to comiccon, which was SUPER AWESOME and i really hope i get to go again! i got to see celebrities, met Nicotine in person (who i’ve known online for FOREVER,) and met some other people, too, who didn’t care who i was, but i knew them. i got a Lenore comic signed by Roman Dirge and was completely starstruck… it wasn’t LL Cool J or Malcolm MacDowell that got me worked up (i got photos of them in passing, while people crowded around,) but Roman fucking Dirge. also, i had expected San Diego to be fucking hot… no. it was actually cold. we did a couple of nice photoshoots in the motel (i ❤ motels, they have cable.) i still have one that i want to edit and give to eroticbpm.com, but i *nevergoddamndidit.* what's wrong with me?
i worked a lot for mr man in horrible heat over the summer and early fall. i made money. and spent it. i don't know on what, but it's gone. probably books. because this is when i started getting more and more into magicks.
fall 2010… i spent most of it depressed. i worked through september… halloween was a whisper. i was supposed to work the Exotic Erotic Ball (ON A BOAT!) but they were hella giving me the runaround, and it got cancelled. ha! karma! however, i still have the outfit i bought… (shoeees….)so i need to do a shoot with that. (thanks to Stephy Slaughter for getting me the gig anyway :* )and we've been struggling financially because the guy we worked for won't pay us (STILL.) that ruined thanksgiving and christmas. my grandpa had a minor stroke around thanksgiving, and i've been struggling with my grandma who won't admit she needs my help. i slept a lot… there were days when i was sleeping 15 hours… i got super sick and couldn't get out of bed.
Ryland fell in love and moved away, so there went another friend…
but the good things that happened this fall were the best! i went to a Rocky Horror show for the first time. and i went to the Dimmu Borgir show the night after, which was the best damn thing… good god. all the bands were amazing. it was the standing forever and getting crushed by the crowd that kind of sucked. but worth it. oh, and not having my good camera. i need a good point-and-shoot type thing to bring to these big concerts. Tess took me to see Black Swan, which… just… pwned. *-*
also this past fall, i went to my first ritual thing, to help heal Serena Toxicat’s siamese, Isis. it was the most amazing thing… the power of a group with all that positive healing energy… it left me feeling like my skin was golden for a few days…
i went back for the consecration of the Bast Temple/winter solstice celebration/eclipse viewing. my frankincense oil helped consecrate the Temple :3 now i feel invested and useful.
and that was my year.
other events that happened… i lost the last of my mom's cats… Fluffy. (my mom was so imaginative!) and got Chloe soon after. and it turned out Chloe was pregnant. she had her first litter right before we went to Chicago. Dante, Butters, Clover, and the Evelyns. (oh yeah, me and Tess saw Evelyn Evelyn and i took photos but lost the memory card. i have the one with Amanda Palmer's solo thing but i'm too depressed to do anything with them since i lost the Evelyn Evelyn card…) Clover, and one of the Evelyns found new homes… i never wanted to give up my magick ninja Dante girl. summer was fun, playing with kittens and taking pictures of them…
then, of course, not having enough money to get Chloe spayed (i still don't, and more cats that need it…) she got knocked up again. and that gave us Datura (thanks to Rain, he now has happy home with someone i consider a friend, Katrina, and renamed Bernard,) Holly (who found a home, also thanks to Rain, with another good kitty mommy, Valerie, and renamed Sahara,) Laurel, and Oleander (who still need homes.) i named them nice and neutrally after poisonous plants. Butters got sick from something and passed on… he was everyone's favorite cuddle muffin and i miss him so dearly…. i don't think i can handle more kitty death, so someone really needs to take Laurel and Oleander…
i'm sure other stuff happened… Brocas Helm gigs (those assholes are going to europe soon… without me. but, haha, norway in the winter. screw that noise.) i saw Satyricon early in the year with my longtime friend, Sam. it was pretty rad… there was the Marduk show, where Tess and i stood in the rain waiting to get in… for some reason they opened the doors WAY late. there were a lot of fights… a lot of nonsense trying to get my dexedrine and not being able to… trying to drive but there just hasn't been the time… some magick that worked, some that didn't. lessons learned, blahblah. and a lot of wasted time.
so here's to looking forward! hi, 2011! let's do this life thing a bit differently.
i’m not a “new year’s resolution person,” but what the hell. here’s what i plan for the following year (maybe putting it in writing will help me remember stuff.)
i’m going to get organised. clean out the old shit that doesn’t work, mentally and physically.
i’m going to try talking my doctor into seeing me even though i can’t pay him, and see if he’ll help me get ssi (hey, i can pay if i have money, right?) of course, then i have to man up and try to get the ssi… (any volunteers for hand-holding? i’m a bit agoraphobic, you see…)
i’m going to try my best to schedule my days! get up at a certain time, do certain things at specific times, etc.
i’m going to read and study and learn things! because my mind is awesome and i don’t want to waste it.
and i’m going to make music, dammit. this is the year. stop talking about it and do it!
and arts! and pretty things to sell, if i can!
as for modelling… well, i’m pretty sick of whoring myself, so pretty much… what happens, happens. i don’t care that i’m not famous, or even worthy of notice anymore. i mean, i struggled for nearly 4 years going *LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT! LOVE ME!* and i’m kind of over it. it turned me whorey, and i’m not a prude, but i’m just not into it anymore. if anyone wants to make fucking *art* i’m down with that.
and i’m going to get back in shape so i can be happy with myself. and i’d love to get in “ballet shape” so i can cosplay the Black Swan (i’m weird, yeah) and actually maybe be able to at least releve en pointe.
and i’ll make some art, too. get some film and see about using my holga and my yashica-d which i’ve barely even used. maybe film isn’t the in thing but dammit, it’s awesome. if i could find a way to become a concert photographer, that would be badass. i could be in *front* of that mass of people, not getting crushed, and taking pictures of the bands i love. (as if.)
and i’m going to talk to my grandma, and, if need be, force her into accepting the fact that i’m not useless and that i *can* and *will* help her.

if you read all this, you’re either really bored or really awesome.
happy 2011!

☠ soma ☠

all i want for christmas…

is for it to be over.
honestly, i thought the christmas after my mom passed was the worst… i was wrong. this year is definitely a contender.
why? this is why.
mr. man still hasn’t been paid for work we both did in the early fall. thank you! thank you, Asshole-who-owes-us money, for ruining not only thanksgiving, but christmas, too! i appreciate it, really. i hope karma doesn’t come back to bite you in the ass or anything.
so i had made a wishlist of stuff i really really want. ballet stuff to fuel my ballet and Black Swan obsession. magickal things i could really use. awesome jewelry. i gave it up in favor of this. yes, target gift cards. you know what i’d like for christmas? food! soap! stuff like that.
maybe this is all my fault for being a complete dumb-ass. oh well, i can’t change that now.
wait! that’s not the only reason this year is the worst ever. there’s more.
my grandpa had a minor stroke around thanksgiving time. he’s been in a nursing home for recovery, he was supposed to stay there until the insurance can’t pay for it anymore, which is like 3 months. my grandma just found out that he’s not making any progress at all, and the insurance won’t pay if he’s not improving. so he has to come home sooner. so she’s freaking out, and i’m freaking out… she takes care of her failing husband and my little brother… by herself. she keeps freaking out and saying she doesn’t know if she wants me to come live there and help them out. she can’t do it by herself. it’s too much for one person! she’s even more stubborn than my mom. i don’t know how i was raised by two strong women, and here i am, unable to take care of myself… but there it is.
wait! i’m not done! i’m also battling a crippling depression. most days, i can’t get out of bed until past sundown… and i don’t stay out of bed for very long. because there’s no damn point.
good times…
i can’t even say “at least it can only get better…” because i honestly don’t believe that any more.
i don’t believe in peace and love and joy to all. human nature killed it. i don’t believe in baby jesus coming down from heaven on his sleigh with his reindeer showering presents on all the good little boys and girls, because i am a goddamn good person and karma won’t even give me reindeer crap. (that’s probably what coal actually is.)
so… i don’t know. either please help or fuck off.

☠ soma ☠

ps: i got obsessive about retending to be happy and made this youtube playlist. i’m not sure why, but no matter how much i hate christmas time, i heart christmas music. partially because i can geek out and sing classical like. the little high-school choir girl soprano in me. maybe part of it is the common thread that unites our society for one day a year. i don’t know. it makes me happy-ish.

xmastime.

well, i’m still sick. and when i’m sick, i get all overemotional and nostalgic. most of what’s been going through my mind today has been “i want to go home,” and “i want my mom back.” oh, and the ever-present “why does everyone hate me.”

so in this spriti of self-pity, i somehow decided i’d start listening to the holly jolly sounds of xmas. mind you, my personal holiday traditions tend toward the alternative/punk/metal/indie… so it’s not exactly cheery. more along the lines of rilo kiley’s “xmas cake,” the waitresses’ “christmas wrapping,” “mary xmess” by sun 60, bush’s “good king somethingorother,” and the youngsters’ “christmas in jail,” among others i haven’t had the energy to recall right now. if you care to know what i consider holiday classics, you can find it on my youtube channel thingie.

i’ll be updating this frequently over the weeks…

music is an obsession.

☠ soma ☠

random fact: i grew up a jehovah’s witness, on and off. so i make up for it by being overly enthusiastic during holidays… i’m over the the guilt of my younger years when i secretly participated in holiday goings-on. especially halloween. though this doesn’t keep me from being depressed during christmas time.

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